Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The Apology Machine...

Well believe it or not .. I did hear from the sleaze bag,trailer trash dating jerk ..the next day about midday..And guess what I got .. a huge question on his behalf "WTF is your problem??" My jaw dropped ..then he proceeded to justify his manly right to screw as many bottom dwellers as he chooses. Why?? because "it's not like we are together".
Fortunately..or NOT .. There is a gas station around the corner ...so it was very easy for me to again find a "Pity Potty" to sit in for a few hours..This time was different .. I used my time in there wisely and thought about the reasons why I was so angry and hurt..
As I took inventory of all of the hurtful and harmful situations in my life I found a common theme ...There was never an apology..only justifications. Not from the man that molested me for fucking up my view of relationships ,not from my mother when she chastised me for being too fat , not from my old boss for axing me to save her own ass, not from Higgins for not having it in him to love me the way I deserve to be loved..and so on and so forth.
With this in mind I typed apology into my google browser and came across a website where people can go and post anonymous apologies.. I cried as I read through the unlimited amount of regret spread out through these pages and every time I read one ..I imagined it was written to me.. So facing the fact that that not a one of those apologies was written for Mara Rivera.. I took matters into my own hands and posted the longest apology letter addressed to me and on behalf of all of those that never found me worthy enough to do so.. You see, this process taught me that and apology is a validation that you existed.. and throughout my whole life I based my worth on the justifications of the behavior of those that hurt me ...almost 40 and not one apology....just jumbled memories of aggressors justifying why they did what they did.. and how my behavior merited such responses ..and me ? Well I just stared glassy eyed and agreed..because it was all I ever knew... I closed my self addressed apology with.."We truly apologize making you feel unworthy, please take these words to heart ..be free and heal"
So I did...This single act of self preservation has changed my life forever....

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