Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Talk about dark!
So....he has a new girlfriend..I heard through the grape vine.
Funny, I had no idea when I last posted. I found out about 30 minutes ago..and since have been fighting urge to puke,tear my clothing , rub dirt on my face and hair and then join the circus.
She calls him baby..I always called him by his last name..it was easier that way..keeps you from getting too close(BIG FAT LIE). The truth is I got too close( started calling him "Amor")...and let what should have been a one night stand turn into something that has changed me forever.
For the past two weeks I have been thinking about the loves of my life. Yes I do believe you get more than one... and out of all of them..this one has been the hardest to get over.
As images of the last three years of my life race through my brain..all I remember telling myself is "it'll work out" and it really didn't.
She's not as pretty as I am, not as smart, she probably has never left the hood she was born in. But she's thin. Just writing that makes the venom burn harder. Again we are faced with the Fat Girl's dilemma...THIS WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED IF I WERE SKINNY. That's where I hide from all the pain, that's the big excuse when I can't find reasoning behind the things that hurt me. I broke up with food..so I can't hide there..but honestly I am so devastated I don't feel the urge to eat, I can't , my stomach is in knots and the last time I took a breath when I put the period on the last paragraph. I don't want to speak as if the sound of my own voice would validate that this is all really happening...that there is no hope...