Saturday, February 20, 2010

Untitled....


Time has literally stopped for a week . Actually it started about 3 days before Valentines Day..I've done some interesting things..like go on a date..and then get stood up by someone else..Heard some amazing VDay stories... cut my hair ,lost two more pounds,Oh and discovered that I had blocked out my first kiss..See a subject that I have been fearful of discussing with myself is the fact that at the age of 15 I was seduced by a male family member of my parents..I was not raped nor was there ever any penetration...but it's true ..It was molestation.. that went on for three months and ended when he sobered up...leaving me to feel rejected and dirty...and I don't really have a sound track for it ..and it's hard for me to write without a soundtrack..So I guess I can consider that period .."My silent period".

As of today I cannot really find a witty way to get through this silent chapter of my life ..long enough to remove the WRITERS BLOCK that logged its way down the right side of my heart..The good thing is that I discovered this week that this event ..blocked out my real first kiss..which happened maybe a week earlier..
For the past 24 years I believed that my first kiss had been a dirty, drunken event perpetuated by a man that thought it was ok to get drunk and french his cousin's child..in a dark alley..when he was just supposed to make sure I got home safely..
But it wasn't .(there still is no soundtrack but I smile as I write this).

My first kiss was with another 15 year old boy that took me to a movie in the old movie theater in my home town ..I don't remember the movie ..and I still can't hear anything ...I was not particularly into this boy..He was cute, from a good family..a popular boy in town ..the perfect date ..But back then I had my pick .. I was a confident beautiful 15 year old that was cultured and well traveled(at 15 lol)..
I remember it was during the movie ...I remember how it felt ..It was wet , clumsy and cute ..and it made us both smile ..He held my hand ...and I got butterflies...

All of this was blocked out by the series of events that I think have shaped the way I view relationships...I never went on another date with this boy again.. We grew up together ..however I had completely blocked out that he ever courted me , that he called me every night for weeks before the date and after.. I don't remember anything .. I don't hear a song and think of him..I just remembered 5 days ago that he was my first kiss(yes we are even fb friends).I lost the most important memory in a young girls life to a drunken pervert...

However ..I consider myself one of the lucky ones..because I got my "First Kiss" memory back.Many women never recover from abuse.. I held on and I fought through and never used it as an excuse.. but I was affected of course. and through this process I will discover all of the ways it affected me ...But this week a part of me has been restored...Again I am one of the lucky ones...He may have damaged me a bit ..but he did not take my first kiss...

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